Levi's.
The man in front of me is wearing Levi jeans and old worn out white new balance shoes. Just like him. New balance shoes that used to adorn the corner by our front door. New balance shoes that took me to soccer. New balance shoes that took me to my first dance. Levi jeans that were never exchanged for any other fabric. Levi jeans that held me as I threw up in his arms. Levi jeans that got dirty teaching me how to kick a better goal. Levi's and new balance...make me think of him. The man in front of me turns around and smiles...and I fight back the tears.
Pepsi Cola.
Pepsi cola's lie lined up in the small fridge beside me in line. I can't look at Pepsi without picturing his face. He never left home without one.
Dave Matthews.
As I drive away I hear a familiar sound. Dave Matthews is playing. I listen, against my better judgement. Memories; drives to school, drives to dances, and 9 hour car rides to Myrtle Beach for family vacation. I change the station.
That is enough now. That is all that I allow my heart. A few uninterrupted moments of happy memories filled with love and adoration for a man I once loved.
He is dead.
He is dead. This is what I tell myself to ease the pain. It's not a lie. To me, for the man that I loved and knew..it is true. The man I knew is dead.
I think back on when I saw him for the first time in 3 years, it was also my last.
I drive by as I drop my siblings off for soccer. My stomach is in my heart as I drive closer. I wonder if he will look the same, I wonder if when he sees me, he will feel...something.
As I drive by I see the Levi's, old worn out new balance shoes, but I don't recognize the face that stairs back at me. I don't even know that man.
Piercing blue eyes that used to love me have turned grey, and I know that there is nothing behind them but hate, beyond that, it is empty and hallow.
Divorce.
Its only meant to be for parents. You aren't supposed to divorce the children too, even if they are "step".
Step.
What does that even mean anyway? Is it because we are so easy to walk or just get over? I never felt the step part, he was so much more to me than that. ..until he was gone. That step soon became the tallest mountain.
My heart is torn. One part of me hates this man. This horrible man has ripped apart a family, divided what was bound by God. This selfish man ended what was meant to be forever. This man walked away and never looked back. The man who has made me question so many years of my life, question what was real, if any of it was at all. This part of me hopes that God will punish him without mercy.
But the bigger part of me, loves this man. The other part of me weeps for the man who wiped away my tears and was the father who was always there. The other part of me holds onto that loving kind man that always knew what to say to make things better. The better part of me feels that he did love me, and that somehow things changed. The Christ like part of me believes he is still there...somewhere, lost.
Anger is too heavy to bear, and much to painful. I've learned to cope telling myself he is dead and hold onto the belief the dad that I lost will be waiting on the other side.
I know this post was heavy, but as I have said from the beginning, my blog will be honest. Life is not always smooth like gravy, there are a LOT of messy bits. But I think its the messy bits that keep us grounded, and in some odd way...really happy too
