Throw Back Thursday

I saw someone do this once on FB or their blog, not really sure to be honest, but anyway I LOVED the idea. So, from here on out, Thursdays will be throwback Thursdays :)

Back when we were super adorable :)

GB says this picture was taken at Callaway Gardens. He said he used to go there as a kid. On this day he was in the butterfly exhibit and caught one.

My mom told me that when I was little I was incredibly spoiled. I was not only  the first grandchild but I was also the only one for a few years. She said that everyone (by everyone I mean my aunts and uncles) used to love to love on me. They would take me everywhere with them, including dates.  This particular picture was taken by my uncle Phillip. My mom said he dressed me up and took me to the park for a photo shoot.

Growing Pains

*WARNING* This post is not for the weak in keister. This mother is loooooong. So if you can't handle it...back away. Otherwise sit back, pop a cola, and enjoy.

These past few months have been extremely challenging but even more rewarding. In January and really since we moved here, I have really struggled with finding my place.This time in my life has been one of the most lonely. It was a lonely that I alone am responsible for because I honestly felt like I just didn't fit because I don't have a child. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the sweet people I was surrounded with and wasn't really sure what to say in social situations just because my life seemed to different. I didn't know how to deal and I always came home feeling so empty and alone. February has been a really great month for me (trials included). First of all let me start by saying I have the most wonderful visiting teachers. They came over a few weeks ago and just sat and talked with me and for the first time it hit me, I don't have to be alone. The more I have been around these women the more I realize it doesn't matter what phase of life I am in, you don't make friends based on where you happen to be at in your life. You make friends because you have a connection. In getting to know some of the amazing women in the ward I am finding that we are so alike. Its been the most wonderful blessing. For the first time since Garrett and I have moved here, I feel like I belong. I feel loved, and most importantly, I feel like I am home. These women amaze me. I have already drawn so much strength from them. They have been so supportive and concerned while I have gone through this very rough process  of trying to get pregnant.

All last week I was on Clomid in preparation to hopefully get an IUI (look it up), and I am not sure if any of you are aware the effect Clomid can have on a woman who suffers from depression and anxiety and is unable to take medication for it. Well let me just say this, Biotches be CRAZY! That crap is no joke. I can honestly say I know how a bipolar person feels. I mean I would be fine one minute then the next thing I know I am hysterically crying. Luckily for me, I was only a rage-a-holic for about 4 hours the whole week. Poor Poor Garrett, he was such a trooper. Last week was mostly a huge horrible blur, but I do know this, I grew even closer to Garrett. He has such great patience and made me feel so immensely loved. I know that sounds weird but its true, and I had moments when I was so overwhelmed with it that I cried harder. He is awesome and I know that during this time we have become even closer than before. It blows my mind because I have always felt so connected to him and there are times when I feel like I couldn't be any closer to this person...then this past week happens. My love for him has grown more and more through this trial and for that I am so grateful.

Sadly, my week of ...well, excuse me family but Hell. Yep a full blown week of it, seems to have been in vain. After sitting through what seemed to be the most uncomfortable ultra sound I have ever had, we found out I have a cyst. What does that mean? It means no IUI for this girl this month. Hopefully it will go away by next month cause if not, I get to be on birth control for 3 months to kill it....pushing my pregnancy back 4-5 months. As soon as the doctor told me I was beside myself.  I was so angry with my body, between my uncooperative uterus and GB's less then motivated swimmers I feel like tadpoles are trying to push through a brick wall. What we really need is a sponge and a pack of hungry sharks. At that moment it just felt like too much to bare, so I have GB give me a blessing. It gave me such comfort and wonderful insight as to why we are struggling with this and how it will be such a blessing to us in the end.

     Saturday when we were running errands I said something to Garrett like "I just wish I had a baby" and my sweet husband says to me, " Me too love, but then I would have everything I ever wanted and I am not sure I deserve that." Melt my heart. So for now, I am happy. I decided yesterday I could sit and pout and feel sorry for myself over something that is out of my control, OR.....I could live my life and enjoy all the marvelous blessings I have been given. I have been given the most amazing person to be my companion and the lord has seen fit to bless us with something money can't buy. Time, we have been given more time to nurture our relationship and just enjoy each other  I have this beautiful house that I am still in awe of. I have been given the opportunity to nanny two great kids that I get to love and care for and rock to sleep every now and then, I get to teach the sweetest girls every Sunday and sit and be edified by all the tender children in primary. So while I feel like I am in a limbo and while I desperately want to be a mother, I am going to enjoy my "in the meantime" and all the special moments that go with it. I feel so blessed and so very loved by so many people.  In the quite moments of my life, when Garrett puts on sweet music, grabs my hand and dances with me in the kitchen, or when I am driving home from the temple with a new friend who is showing me strength, or moments when my sweet mother in law gives me a tight hug and tells me she loves me, or my sweet brother in law remembers me in a prayer without being reminded and without me even being there....in these moments I am overcome with more love than I can describe. Through this trial my eyes have been opened to the endless blessing in my life and the small and quiet moments, my heart could explode. I have the most amazing family, friends, husband, and life really. I know that I will have a child, I have been promised that I will have children and special blessings in specific for the first one I will have. So I can wait, until the lord says its time. Life is crazy but life is good....its oh so very good.

Thanks for the love everyone from my VT's bringing me a spa care package, your encouraging texts and calls, to your fasting and prayers, I feel the love from you and I am more grateful to you than I could ever express.

To my future baby, I hope you know how bad I wanted you one day when you think I am the meanest mom in the world and how the day I held you in my arms was hands down the best day of my life and in that moment...everything was worth it. (cause while it hasn't happened yet, I know it will be.)