*WARNING* This post is not for the weak in keister. This mother is loooooong. So if you can't handle it...back away. Otherwise sit back, pop a cola, and enjoy.
These past few months have been extremely challenging but even more rewarding. In January and really since we moved here, I have really struggled with finding my place.This time in my life has been one of the most lonely. It was a lonely that I alone am responsible for because I honestly felt like I just didn't fit because I don't have a child. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the sweet people I was surrounded with and wasn't really sure what to say in social situations just because my life seemed to different. I didn't know how to deal and I always came home feeling so empty and alone. February has been a really great month for me (trials included). First of all let me start by saying I have the most wonderful visiting teachers. They came over a few weeks ago and just sat and talked with me and for the first time it hit me, I don't have to be alone. The more I have been around these women the more I realize it doesn't matter what phase of life I am in, you don't make friends based on where you happen to be at in your life. You make friends because you have a connection. In getting to know some of the amazing women in the ward I am finding that we are so alike. Its been the most wonderful blessing. For the first time since Garrett and I have moved here, I feel like I belong. I feel loved, and most importantly, I feel like I am home. These women amaze me. I have already drawn so much strength from them. They have been so supportive and concerned while I have gone through this very rough process of trying to get pregnant.
All last week I was on Clomid in preparation to hopefully get an IUI (look it up), and I am not sure if any of you are aware the effect Clomid can have on a woman who suffers from depression and anxiety and is unable to take medication for it. Well let me just say this, Biotches be CRAZY! That crap is no joke. I can honestly say I know how a bipolar person feels. I mean I would be fine one minute then the next thing I know I am hysterically crying. Luckily for me, I was only a rage-a-holic for about 4 hours the whole week. Poor Poor Garrett, he was such a trooper. Last week was mostly a huge horrible blur, but I do know this, I grew even closer to Garrett. He has such great patience and made me feel so immensely loved. I know that sounds weird but its true, and I had moments when I was so overwhelmed with it that I cried harder. He is awesome and I know that during this time we have become even closer than before. It blows my mind because I have always felt so connected to him and there are times when I feel like I couldn't be any closer to this person...then this past week happens. My love for him has grown more and more through this trial and for that I am so grateful.
Sadly, my week of ...well, excuse me family but Hell. Yep a full blown week of it, seems to have been in vain. After sitting through what seemed to be the most uncomfortable ultra sound I have ever had, we found out I have a cyst. What does that mean? It means no IUI for this girl this month. Hopefully it will go away by next month cause if not, I get to be on birth control for 3 months to kill it....pushing my pregnancy back 4-5 months. As soon as the doctor told me I was beside myself. I was so angry with my body, between my uncooperative uterus and GB's less then motivated swimmers I feel like tadpoles are trying to push through a brick wall. What we really need is a sponge and a pack of hungry sharks. At that moment it just felt like too much to bare, so I have GB give me a blessing. It gave me such comfort and wonderful insight as to why we are struggling with this and how it will be such a blessing to us in the end.
Saturday when we were running errands I said something to Garrett like "I just wish I had a baby" and my sweet husband says to me, " Me too love, but then I would have everything I ever wanted and I am not sure I deserve that." Melt my heart. So for now, I am happy. I decided yesterday I could sit and pout and feel sorry for myself over something that is out of my control, OR.....I could live my life and enjoy all the marvelous blessings I have been given. I have been given the most amazing person to be my companion and the lord has seen fit to bless us with something money can't buy. Time, we have been given more time to nurture our relationship and just enjoy each other I have this beautiful house that I am still in awe of. I have been given the opportunity to nanny two great kids that I get to love and care for and rock to sleep every now and then, I get to teach the sweetest girls every Sunday and sit and be edified by all the tender children in primary. So while I feel like I am in a limbo and while I desperately want to be a mother, I am going to enjoy my "in the meantime" and all the special moments that go with it. I feel so blessed and so very loved by so many people. In the quite moments of my life, when Garrett puts on sweet music, grabs my hand and dances with me in the kitchen, or when I am driving home from the temple with a new friend who is showing me strength, or moments when my sweet mother in law gives me a tight hug and tells me she loves me, or my sweet brother in law remembers me in a prayer without being reminded and without me even being there....in these moments I am overcome with more love than I can describe. Through this trial my eyes have been opened to the endless blessing in my life and the small and quiet moments, my heart could explode. I have the most amazing family, friends, husband, and life really. I know that I will have a child, I have been promised that I will have children and special blessings in specific for the first one I will have. So I can wait, until the lord says its time. Life is crazy but life is good....its oh so very good.
Thanks for the love everyone from my VT's bringing me a spa care package, your encouraging texts and calls, to your fasting and prayers, I feel the love from you and I am more grateful to you than I could ever express.
To my future baby, I hope you know how bad I wanted you one day when you think I am the meanest mom in the world and how the day I held you in my arms was hands down the best day of my life and in that moment...everything was worth it. (cause while it hasn't happened yet, I know it will be.)
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i love you so much. this was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteDarc I live YOU so much!! You are such a great friend to me :-)
DeleteFirst off, you don't know me. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by commenting on such a personal post. I actually went on an Italy study abroad with your husband years ago and randomly clicked on his link on Facebook which is unlike me so I'm taking it as a sign that I needed to comment.
ReplyDeleteI too have faced infertility and was very fortunate to successfully conceive though IUI in 2011. Infertility is still very much apart of me and always will be. In fact, as my husband and I consider trying for a second child, I think about it every day and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face it again knowing that it will always be difficult for us to conceive.
Infertility is incredibly lonely. Even though you know other people have gone through it and your spouse is facing the same thing, it's hard to describe why it makes you feel so alone. Know that it's okay to be frustrated and sad and hurt and angry. It's normal. Find someone besides your spouse to confide in and share your feelings with, it will help. I'm sure you know that but don't forget it, especially at your lowest moments.
I want you to know that however long the wait is (and it feels like eternity when you want a baby so badly), when you hold your baby for the first time and fall in love with them there will be no doubt in your mind that that baby was meant for your family at that exact time.
Take care of yourself. Continue in hope.
Oh Meggers! I love you. So, I've never been through this, but I have a sister whose always on Clomid and another sister whose hubs has weak swimmers. You are amazingly strong and like you said, you will have children. And once you do, you will look back on your pre-child married life with such delight of joyous memories. Love you guys! You are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks Abby! I love you too...and oh boy do I miss you :-)
DeleteThanks Melanie! You didnt over step at all. I mean my blog is public ;-) Thanks for sharing your story, while I am so sorry to hear of your struggle, it is nice to know I am not alone. Letting other people in and allowing them to help me through this has been so hard but has helped me heal. Thanks for your words and good luck on your next child, I hope this time around is an easier road.
ReplyDeleteLove you Meagan. You're amazing. I'm so grateful to know you.
ReplyDelete:) Love you too!!!
DeleteHi, you don't know me either, I went on the same study abroad to Italy with your husband what feels like forever ago. I've been reading your blog for the last couple months when Garrett posts the links on facebook. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are very brave and I am hoping you won't have to wait too much longer but in the meantime that you will be blessed with peace and patience.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to tell you that when I moved into my current ward 4 1/2 years ago, right after graduating from college, I was the youngest and the one who didn't have any kids, I worked (most of the ones close to my age were stay-at-home-moms), and I felt so out of place too. Now that I do have kids and can look at it from the other side I can say that I was wrong to feel that way...I can still relate to the sisters in our ward who don't have kids yet and I totally enjoy their company, and I bet the sisters in your ward feel the same way about you.
And finally I wanted to tell you (geez this is long for a random comment from a stranger) that I have anxiety too and I know it gets worse when I'm pregnant from the hormones and the added stress...so if you ever need someone to vent to, either while pregnant or while you're going through the hormonal stuff in the process of trying to get pregnant, I would be happy to listen and chat with you. My email is calliope_617@yahoo.com
-Beth
Beth,
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words and sharing your story. Its really so nice to not feel like I am the only one who knows what this all feels like :) I definitely may take you up on your offer, I could always use a new friend to vent too ;)
I enjoy your posts and Jaime and I think of you and Garrett often. Love yall!
ReplyDeleteOh, Meagan....you are awesome. I'm so happy that you don't feel alone there anymore...but I still miss you TONS here! I need to be more like you and see more of the positive in my life...and starting out, i'm going to say that YOU are one of the positives in my life! I can't imagine this past year without you and our chats/rants. Love you, lady!
ReplyDelete