I was never informed

As you prepare to become a mother, there is a lot they will tell you. They will tell you what kind of wipes are the best, their opinions on everything from breast-feeding and natural birth to wether or not to circumcise if it's a boy. They tell you your life will change and that you'll never sleep for the next 18 years. They tell you a lot of things..

For all they do tell you, there is more they don't tell you.  For the last little while as GB has been away working, I have felt like a single mother. I eventually stopped staring at the door at 6 o'clock praying my husband would walk through the door and provide me with a moment of relief. I am exhausted and stretched way too thin. I have more failed moments than I would like to admit. Moments when all that is selfish and weak inside me wins the battle. I stand at the stove trying to make dinner while two hungry and frustrated infants scream and cling to my leg. Some days I stop what I am doing and hold and rock them and explain in a loving voice that I am trying to make them food. Sometimes, I am short and annoyed and remove them and say mommy needs her own space. 

Many nights I go to bed feeling deflated and defeated. I replay the day in my head and count all the ways I failed. Every moment I let my kids down. 

These are the kinds if things no one ever tells you about. But you know what else they don't tell you?

They don't tell you that the moment your child crawls for the first time you'll feel like your heart has flown out of your chest. It's the first moment you realize they are slowly becoming more independent and needing you just a tiny bit less. It's also the first moment you feel pride for them.  They don't tell you that when they stand for the first time you'll cheer like they just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and it will actually feel that way to you. With each new milestone you feel terrified, proud, excitement, happiness, and sorrow all at once. You now feel more emotions at one time that you ever thought possible.  They don't tell you that each day you will now live and breath for your children and your happiness is completely and utterly wrapped up in theirs. The first time they get a boo boo you'll cry and your heart will break into a million pieces because you'll realize it's only the first of a million things in this life that will hurt this tiny person you love so dearly. The pain they will feel will become yours and be out of your control. They don't tell you how terrifying it is. How you will cry sometimes just thinking about them growing and how it's happening right before your eyes.  You are never told how when they reach for your hand they tug your heart. How this little creature you created will change the way you look and feel about life and love. 

No one ever tells you that for all the failures you'll experience, remember the times you win. Remember times you eat a cold meal because you feed them first. Remember the thousands of times you rolled out of bed to hold and comfort them in the middle of the night rather than sleep. All the times you embrace the clinging and order a pizza.  Think of the times you rolled around on the floor and play instead of fold that huge pile of laundry. The times when you were sick but got up, put a smile on your face and took care of them. More often than not we DO choose our children. No one ever prepares you for these things because they can't. How could you possibly explain all the millions of new ways you will love, hurt, and grow as a person. How can you explain to a person how deep love can go. You can't put that into words, While I go to bed tired and some days I count down until they go down, inevitably 30 minutes later, I find myself wanting to hold them. That's a love there just aren't words for. 

As my babies approach the 1 year mark, I can't help but reflect. This last year has been a year of learning, growth, and love. Being a mother has been the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life.  It is the challenging that makes it so extremely rewarding.  I am so grateful to my little buds for making me a mommy. When I am running on fumes and wanting to cry as they desperately cling to my legs, I will try to remember that this moment will pass. This moment will pass far too quickly, and before I know it, I will be the one clinging onto them. They may look at me with a short voice and say to me "Mom, I need my space." So Ill get up and start each day with a full tank and full heart and try to be better. Ill love a little deeper and hold on a little tighter.