Mary

I find myself thinking often about Mary this season. I suppose it is because like her, I too have a baby boy. As I watch my son,  I wonder what he will become. Will he do good in this world? Will he love others and carry a light to all around him? Will he spread peace and lift those who are downtrodden and in despair? I imagine she didn't wonder these things about her son because she knew.

Sometimes I hold him and he will smile at me and all at once a calm and peace washes over me and my heart is full. I imagine that is how she felt when she held the savior. The comfort he brought to her, I feel from my baby. In a way my son has saved me. Mary's son saved her, and every one else. I think about how she had to watch him suffer...a pain I can't even begin to comprehend. The thought of my son being in pain breaks every part of my heart. Yet, she knew, he was sent to save this world and a sacrifice would have to be made. As I hold my sleeping baby boy, I realize that the greatest sacrifice of this world,  may have been hers. He was never hers alone, he belonged to the world and she would have to give him to us.

Motherhood is so incredibly sacred. Despite what the world says, there is no greater thing I could ever be. I am so grateful for Mary. I am grateful for her faith, her love, her unbearable sacrifice. She gave me her son. Because of him, I am free, I am whole, and I will never be alone. I hope that I can teach my son to use his hands and heart the way the savior did. I owe that to my Savior, and to Mary.

I was never informed

As you prepare to become a mother, there is a lot they will tell you. They will tell you what kind of wipes are the best, their opinions on everything from breast-feeding and natural birth to wether or not to circumcise if it's a boy. They tell you your life will change and that you'll never sleep for the next 18 years. They tell you a lot of things..

For all they do tell you, there is more they don't tell you.  For the last little while as GB has been away working, I have felt like a single mother. I eventually stopped staring at the door at 6 o'clock praying my husband would walk through the door and provide me with a moment of relief. I am exhausted and stretched way too thin. I have more failed moments than I would like to admit. Moments when all that is selfish and weak inside me wins the battle. I stand at the stove trying to make dinner while two hungry and frustrated infants scream and cling to my leg. Some days I stop what I am doing and hold and rock them and explain in a loving voice that I am trying to make them food. Sometimes, I am short and annoyed and remove them and say mommy needs her own space. 

Many nights I go to bed feeling deflated and defeated. I replay the day in my head and count all the ways I failed. Every moment I let my kids down. 

These are the kinds if things no one ever tells you about. But you know what else they don't tell you?

They don't tell you that the moment your child crawls for the first time you'll feel like your heart has flown out of your chest. It's the first moment you realize they are slowly becoming more independent and needing you just a tiny bit less. It's also the first moment you feel pride for them.  They don't tell you that when they stand for the first time you'll cheer like they just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and it will actually feel that way to you. With each new milestone you feel terrified, proud, excitement, happiness, and sorrow all at once. You now feel more emotions at one time that you ever thought possible.  They don't tell you that each day you will now live and breath for your children and your happiness is completely and utterly wrapped up in theirs. The first time they get a boo boo you'll cry and your heart will break into a million pieces because you'll realize it's only the first of a million things in this life that will hurt this tiny person you love so dearly. The pain they will feel will become yours and be out of your control. They don't tell you how terrifying it is. How you will cry sometimes just thinking about them growing and how it's happening right before your eyes.  You are never told how when they reach for your hand they tug your heart. How this little creature you created will change the way you look and feel about life and love. 

No one ever tells you that for all the failures you'll experience, remember the times you win. Remember times you eat a cold meal because you feed them first. Remember the thousands of times you rolled out of bed to hold and comfort them in the middle of the night rather than sleep. All the times you embrace the clinging and order a pizza.  Think of the times you rolled around on the floor and play instead of fold that huge pile of laundry. The times when you were sick but got up, put a smile on your face and took care of them. More often than not we DO choose our children. No one ever prepares you for these things because they can't. How could you possibly explain all the millions of new ways you will love, hurt, and grow as a person. How can you explain to a person how deep love can go. You can't put that into words, While I go to bed tired and some days I count down until they go down, inevitably 30 minutes later, I find myself wanting to hold them. That's a love there just aren't words for. 

As my babies approach the 1 year mark, I can't help but reflect. This last year has been a year of learning, growth, and love. Being a mother has been the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life.  It is the challenging that makes it so extremely rewarding.  I am so grateful to my little buds for making me a mommy. When I am running on fumes and wanting to cry as they desperately cling to my legs, I will try to remember that this moment will pass. This moment will pass far too quickly, and before I know it, I will be the one clinging onto them. They may look at me with a short voice and say to me "Mom, I need my space." So Ill get up and start each day with a full tank and full heart and try to be better. Ill love a little deeper and hold on a little tighter.

Be Still

"Be still and know that I am god"...

For the past few days as I hold my crying babes, when I am overly tired or frustrated...this phrase is what I hear.  I am so grateful for the privilege and honor of being a mother, especially a mother to the two littles that I have.

I read a blogpost the other day that brought tears to my eyes.  It was written by a mother who was dealing with feelings of guilt for not accomplishing all that she felt she should...and how she got a simple reminder from up above that she is enough because the work she is doing is for him. Most days my children are naked,  by 9:30 am I get tired of fighting the good fight with bodily fluids and strip off their clothes.  9.5 times out of 10 my husband comes home to a wife who looks like she has spent her day working downtown...but not 

the fancy suit, tall building kind of work, the kind of work where you sit on the sidewalk with a cup and beg for quarters. My couch is covered in baby barf stains and miscellaneous spots from our pups. I can't tell you the last time I cleaned my floors or the toilets. So as I read this post, I could completely relate.  I go to bed at night and my mind just races. I think about all the things I forgot to do that day and think about how I can do better tomorrow. I feel like I am lacking in so many areas and I am overwhelmed with all the things I need to improve on and how I can become a better person.

I awoke this morning to sounds of laughter and cooing. The sun was shining and I felt an overwhelming sense of Gods love. I arose from bed to start my day the same way I always do now. I walked into my babies room and peeked over the crib to find a sweet little face and big smile staring back at me. The next part is my favorite part of my life. yes...my favorite part of my life. Two chubby arms reaching for me. They reach for me and it makes me whole. As I pick up each of my sweet little babes I realize I am enough for them. They are unaware of my flaws. They don't care what I look like, how clean the house is, or what tasks remain incomplete. They don't care if I am not in with the all the "cool kids" at church. They only care that I am there to greet them each morning with a smile and open arms. To them I am their world. I am the first person they see when they get up, I am the one who makes them smile, makes them clean, and rejoices with them in all their accomplishments. To them I am their safe place, I am the warm embrace when they are in pain and kiss on their cheek when they need some love.  I am the cuddle in the late hours of the night, and the soothing song as they cry. They love me simply because I am there and for who I am to them. I am theirs, I belong to them and they belong to me. They love me because I am their mom. That is enough for them so it has to be enough for me.

My little Layla is my light when my world is dim. Her smile gives me hope and reminds me of all the beauty life has to offer. Her smile is infectious and I can't help but smile back her. I can't explain it any better than that really, but all I can say is when I feel dark inside I go to hold her because she lights me back up.

My mighty Nolan is my peace. He is who I reach for when I am feeling the struggles of my heart. He comforts me and eases my pain.  He settles my chaotic soul. Sometimes when he is just looking at me, much like in the picture below, I feel connected to heaven, like he is my gateway to God.

I could never adequately express in words the immense love I have for my children. It is unequivocal, deep, raw, unconditional and without limits. It is what keeps me going when days are long and nights are longer.  

Being a mother has been the greatest blessing of my life. These babes of mine save me everyday. I hope I can be the mother they deserve because these tiny spirits I have been given are really something special.

Florida Trip

For my birthday/Mothers day I wanted to head to Florida and stay with my aunt and go to DisneyWorld. My mom came along to party it up with me. While we were there we hit up the beach, Bubba Gump, my Cousins Basketball Game and had a HUGE family Skype with our missionaries.  It was a much needed trip and was a great way to pass the time while GB is away.

This was the babes very first time at the beach. I am sad GB missed it but we enjoyed it all the same. The babies seemed to enjoy it as long as the waves weren't rushing at them. Also little Lay did NOT appreciate being sat in the sand. haha Silly girl. No idea where she got that from since G and I both LOVE the beach. She is just gonna have to learn I guess.

Thanks for watching the buds for me Aunt Angel while mom and I played at Disney. Thanks mom for coming along and being so fun :)

Hello Blog

Holy cow! I am pretty sure this is the longest I have gone without a post. I must be busy or something ;) My sweet little buds are a little over 6 months now. Wait what?! yes...I did just say a little over 6 months. It seems like just this morning I gave birth to them. However, at the same time, it also feels like they have always been a part of my life. They are getting so very big and keep getting bigger by the hour. To start off this post I guess I better list some stats.
We will start with
Little miss (my light)

Weight: 13lbs. 5 ounzes-
 9-10 percentile for her weight

Height:
10 percentile for her height

She enjoys:
-Watching My Little Pony, Super Why, Frozen, Little Mermaid, and Sophia the First
-LOVES to play in her excersaucer
-Showers
-Eating
- Her puppy brothers
-Going new places
-Rolling around/Scooting
-Playing super baby
-Sitting up like a big girl
-real food

Nicknames
-LayJay
-LayLay
-Little Miss ( when she is being a wee bit sassy)
-Sister Sue ( no idea why I call her this or where it comes from, but I call her this most often I think)
-Chubs

Tooth Count: 1
She likes to be a big girl. She tries really hard to hold her own bottle, is always trying to sit up, and is a professional scooter. I laid them in their boppys on the the floor to watch a show while I showered. When I came out, I noticed she wasn't in her hoppy and I didn't hear her. I looked over and saw two tiny feet sticking out from under my bed, when I pulled her out she had the BIGGEST grin and started to giggle. She is too much. Layla is in the process of learning to eat food from a spoon, and fights with me to hold the spoon by her little self. She is very strong willed..( no clue where she gets it ;)  Even though it may be a challenge having a strong willed kid, I enjoy her fight. I enjoy it because I know that later on, she will hopefully use that fight to stand up for herself and others.  Layla is very smart...or so I think, because she gets bored pretty easy. I am constantly trying to keep her brain occupied. Layla is loud. Loud as in the girl knows what she wants and makes sure you do to. I love that about her, probably because she gets that from me. This little nugget is so much fun! Layla loves to smile and already  happiest personality. Layla also has a very special spirit. I know all mothers say this, and it is true for all children. But really, she radiates. This little gem was sent here to make people happy. Her sweet little spirit gives me so much happiness. I also can't believe how beautiful she is. Several times a day I just stare at her in awe, she is absolutely exquisite. I don't care if I am her mom, it is just a fact. I love love love my beautiful baby girl.

                                                

 Mr. Man (my peace)

Weight: 13 lbs
Still not on the charts for his weight or height. He is little...but he is mighty

He loves:
-Tight snuggles
- He also enjoys the excersaucer but not nearly as much as sister
-Mommy
-Mommy
and did I mention Mommy?? Seriously the kid loves his mama...and I LOVE that he loves me
-looking around
-sleeping
-flirting
-Showers
-Excersaucer
-His sister
-Talking

Nick Names
-Mighty Man
-Noley Poley
-Noles
-Bubbie
-Mr. Man (I use this and Noles the most)

Nolan is the sweetest  baby boy I have ever met. He gives this little coy smile that makes my heart skip a beat. Nolan is a very peaceful baby, he doesn't let much upset him. Even when he does cry, its usually not for very long. He gives in pretty easily and doesn't let anything keep him down, he is like his daddy that way, I love that about them. Nolan is also my deep thinker. He really loves to look around the room and take it all in. He is also really good at studying you when you hold him. He gives me these looks and I can almost tell what he is thinking. Most days its a " come on mommy, you can do better" look. But, I also get the "I love you so much" look, which is the best. His personality reminds me so much of Garrett which I find so comforting when he is away on business. My little man may be small but he is mighty. He is a sweet, old, wise spirit in a miniature body. I just know he is meant for great things. I am so in love with him and I fall more in love with him every day.

           
                                                        

Best Time of the Day
I am FINALLY on  a great night schedule. I start their bedtime routine at 7.  I take turns showering with each baby. It is our favorite time of the day because we get special one on one time.  There are two times of the day when my babies are the happiest. The first is in the morning. I get the best smiles and coos when they first wake up. But the second...shower time. We snuggle, talk, and sing. I sing them each their own songs (they each have their favorites). This is also when I tell him about when they were born and the joy it brought me. I tell him this story every night for two reasons. 1: I always want them to know how loved and treasured they are, and 2: so I can remember how immensely blessed I am. I never want to forget that feeling, I am holding onto it with everything I have.

Sleeping
I am SO close having the babies sleep through the night.  They go down at 8,  and do a feed in bed at 10:30.  The next time I hear from them is anywhere between 5-6.   Sometimes they are up for a few hours and other times they go right back to sleep until 8:30. It kinda just depends on how they nap the day before.

Naps
They aren't on a rigorous nap schedule. Mostly because I never know when they will wake up in the morning, and that sets the tone. I also don't really want to be locked down in the house during their set nap times. Nolan can sleep just about anywhere and sleep well. Layla will not sleep well anywhere but her bed. She worries she is going to miss something when she sleeps out of her room and wakes up after 20 minutes and looks around.  All and all I usually get a good solid hour in the morning and late afternoon and if I am lucky a 1.5 hr nap mid-day.

Being a Mommy
Being a mommy has been the HARDEST and most rewarding thing I have ever done.  With GB gone for work weeks at a time, I have a lot of really long and trying days. Single moms definitely have my respect. Still, through all the exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, and tears.. I find so much joy in raising these little monkeys of mine. I am amazed at the strength that I have because of them. I honestly couldn't imagine loving anything more than my little family.  Hopefully I will be better about keeping this thing updated.

All Mine

I realize they belong to me, but I mean really. Do I have ridiculously adorable babies or what?! Seriously, I made those?! Oh my golly I have the most superb, delicious offspring ever.

My friend Desiree Hunter took these and she did fantastic! I am so in love with these photos.

(Please note Noley Poley's baby boobies, I.am.melting!!)