All Mine

I realize they belong to me, but I mean really. Do I have ridiculously adorable babies or what?! Seriously, I made those?! Oh my golly I have the most superb, delicious offspring ever.

My friend Desiree Hunter took these and she did fantastic! I am so in love with these photos.

(Please note Noley Poley's baby boobies, I.am.melting!!)

1:20

This post has taken me a while to write. Mostly because I am a teensy bit busy taking care of two miniature homosapiens, but also because it was an extremely emotional experience for me that is hard to put into words and I cry every time I try to finish it.  But I want it all documented so I am gonna give it a whirl. So grab some tissues and get comfy....cause without further adieu, here is the monster that is the birth post.

Every once in awhile, while I am going about my day, I stop and wonder if I will remember it. We live so many days and so very many of them go forgotten. Sometimes when I am going through my mundane routine I think about how I can live and be so involved in this day and soon I wont even remember it. On the flip side, there are other days we remember. Other days, in which we can recall every single detail.

Tuesday, November 12
As long as I live I will never forget a single detail of this day. My hair was curly and I was wearing black leggings, a white shirt, with a grey cardigan and my favorite scarf from Italy. I had a half a glass of ovaltine for breakfast, and the whole morning I was in a funky mood. I was confused because the previous Sunday I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that the babies were on their way, and here I was on Tuesday, still pregnant.  November 12, was no ordinary day.

 We had our usual weekly appointment with perinatal. As soon as we walked in the office I started having contractions. I didn't really think too much of it since I had been experiencing them pretty regularly for the past few weeks. Once I was on the table for the ultrasound they got really bad really fast.   Through the whole exam I was in pain, the tech brought in my doctor. Once he checked my cervix he told us we were going to be admitted and this time they weren't going to stop the contractions. He told us they would monitor us for a few hours and see how I was progressing. At this point I still didn't think today would be the day. They wheeled us up to labor and delivery and had me change. About 15 minutes later my nurse walked in and said, " So we're having babies today?" Garrett responded, "well, I guess we will see." The nurse looked puzzled and said, "umm no we ARE having babies today, at 1:00. You've already been scheduled." I looked at the clock...11:00. WOWzers, I am having babies in 2 hours. No one had asked us, but yea let's do this. I was immediately overcome with emotion. I had waited for this day for 3 years and it was finally here. From that moment on, everything went FAST! I didn't even have time to be nervous about all the things going on. I was prepped for a C-section since neither bud was in a conducive position. Before I knew it I was getting my spinal epidural. As they waited for the medication to start working it felt like the veil between heaven and earth was diminishing. I couldn't stop crying because I could feel my sweet spirits with me and I knew they were ready to come. Once I was in the operating room I had the most wonderful spiritual experience (too personal for the blog) with loved ones who had passed and my boy finally got his name.

1:20
I felt strong pressure and I knew I was seconds away from meeting my sweet baby girl. They pulled her out and told Garrett to peak over the curtain and then they let it down so I could catch a glimpse of her too. As long as I live I will never forget the feeling that rushed over me when I first saw my daughter. She was white and messy and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Then they pulled out her brother. From the moment I saw him, I knew that I had known him for quite some time. It wasn't like I was meeting someone for the first time, rather a sweet reunion. It was love at first site with each of them. It is amazing how full our hearts can feel, and then we become a parent. All at once every open nook and crevice became full. It's like there are secret chambers that are reserved just for them, and when we see them, the gates open and they flood. A few second later, they cried...and so did I. In that moment I had given them life, and in that moment, they had renewed mine. I laid on the table in awe of the wondrous miracle that I was so privileged to take part in. My body, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing, strong, powerful body had just created two people. Two people at once. For those few sacred and precious moments, I was straddling the line between heaven and earth. I was in disbelief at the magnitude of  just how deeply blessed I really was. They brought me my babies and I stared at their perfect little bodies and I melted. I absolutely melted. So this is love, this is what I have lived for. Have you ever just looked at someone and just knew that this moment was what you've been waiting your whole life for?  Have you ever felt like that? I had felt this feeling once before, when I fell in love with their father, and now I was feeling it all over again. At 1:20 November 12, 2013, I became a mom. If I do nothing else in this life, I have done this and there is no greater thing I could ever do. Nothing will ever top this. It was the best moment of my life.

Layla Jaymes came into this world weighing 4 lbs 6 oz.
Nolan Nicholas weighed 3 lbs. 5 oz

They took my buds up to the NICU and GB followed. I have to say, laying there while they sewed me up, I felt like I was in an episode of Grey s Anatomy. They were all gabbing away about their lives while I lay on the table all drugged up. After I sat in recovery for what felt like an eternity, I got to go see my babies in their NICU room. Nolan was being worked on so I wasn't able to hold him then. But he was so cute, I could tell right away that he looked just like his daddy. Then for the first time I got to hold Layla. I cried again. She was so radiant and small. I couldn't believe that she came out of me, that I had made such a gorgeous little person. I loved how squishy she was, I loved how even at 4 lbs, she was chunky.

I spent the next 4 days in the hospital for recovery. By the way folks, it's not the birth part that you have to be afraid of....it's the recovery. I felt great the first day, I just kept pushing my glorious little epi button...but day 2. Oh day 2..or night 2 rather, I thought I was dying. Seriously, I had never been in so much pain in all. my. life. Not to mention the stress of worrying about two babies in the NICU. Night 1, one of Nolan's lungs had collapsed.  The doctor assured me there was nothing to worry about but seeing my tiny baby with a tube sticking out of his chest did not make me feel like it was okay. I hated seeing them all hooked up and not being able to hold Nolan was killing me. All week I dreaded Saturday when they would discharge me and I would have to leave without my babies.

Letting Go
Saturday came.  My grandmother had suffered from dementia for several years and recently she had become extremely ill. In the days after my babies were born we knew she had only days left. I feel like I need to explain that this wasn't just a far away grandma that I had grown up seeing a few times a year who sent me a Christmas card in the mail. This was my other mother. This was the woman who stayed up with me when I was sick, who laid in bed and talked and cuddled me on nights when my single mother was working late or on a date. She was my biggest fan. She was, through my entire life, my safe place. She was my person. My person who stood by me and supported me, even at times when I was wrong. I can't think of a single time in my life when I needed her and she wasn't there. She gave so much to me and so much of who I am is because of her. To say that it broke my heart to not be there when she needed me most, would be an understatement. I was able to face time her and say good-bye and for technology, I am grateful. When my sister called me Saturday to tell me she had passed, my whole body shook, it was like there was a hurricane in my heart. I knew I would have to miss her funeral, and for me, that seemed unthinkable. At the time I thought the timing couldn't have been worse. Here I was leaving my babies and I now had to let go of her too. It seemed almost too much to bare. But ya know? Life is funny sometimes, in a not so funny way. God really knows what he is doing, because that night as I walked into the NICU to hold my babies before I headed home, I could feel her. Her presence hit me, like I had walked right into her warm soft arms and it was almost tangible.  And as I held my babies I could feel her arms around my shoulders. It was such a beautiful experience, it was my private good-bye. I knew that as I walked away from my babies and left the hospital, that she would not. I knew that she would stay and she would be there with them. I knew that the same strong heart she had given me, she would give to them. On a day when I was having to leave my babies, God sent her to me. It was beautiful really. It has been beautiful. I am so happy for her. I am happy that she is once again the vivacious, gorgeous, magnificent, feisty, woman she once was. And while I miss being able to hug her, I can still feel her. I feel her late at night as I sing and rock my fussy babies. I feel her every single day. I feel her when I am alone driving in the car, and when I am getting ready in my closet, and when I am holding my sweet sleeping children. Her spirit is alive and thriving, it lives in a world that I can not yet see and it lives in me.

NICU- AKA. Baby Prison
My babies were in the NICU a total of 20 days. The first week home without them was the worst. I had such horrible anxiety and stress I barely ate or even drank. I was horribly sick, weak, and loosing 3 lbs a day. I also contracted a virus and had a numb face that prohibited me from smiling or chewing very well. Then there was the NICU. It was awful having someone tell me when I could or couldn't hold my babies, and how to touch my babies. The breaking point for me was when Layla was crying and she had a chest tube and all these chords and I couldn't pick her up and console her. It was heart wrenching to just stare at your screaming child and not be able to do anything.  Once their lungs had gained strength they began taking bottles and  were given a goal to reach before we were allowed to bring them home. The whole process was just so frustrating. As the babies grew it seemed like the goals kept changing. We never could get a straight answer on when our babies could come home and it felt like they were being held hostage. While I loved most of the nurses, I was so ready to take control of my kids.We finally got so fed up that Garrett had a very candid chat with the nurses and the next day they began the discharge. My babies came home one day short of 36 weeks.

Home
My buds have officially been home longer than they have been in the NICU and I am loving my life with them. Taking care of two babies is hard work to say the least, but its worth it. My heart has now become an active volcano. It erupted the moment my buds were born, and continues to erupt daily. I can't believe I get the honor and privilege of being their mom. When their tiny hands wrap around my finger my heart melts and I am reminded that I belong to them, that they depend on me, and that this is life's greatest treasure. I am living the dream and it's pretty spectacular. Even though millions of babies are born everyday all over the world, I still think birth is an absolute miracle. When you think about where it all starts and what all has to happen just to even get pregnant, its inconceivable. Millions of  tiny people grow inside another person, its just something I can't wrap my head around, it's truly miraculous. Any whoodle, it's been a crazy few months and as far as I can tell, I am in for the greatest adventure of my life. I will update soon on all the fun details but since this post basically gutted me I am gonna give it a rest for a few days.

Story by Photos

Dear Body

I know I'm way past due on my birth post and I'm working on it. But I wanted to take a moment and give a special shout out to my rockin' body. 

Dear Body,

We have had an up and down relationship the last several years. I have judged you far too harshly for all your "imperfections". I have blamed you for all the years I was sick. I was verbally abusive when you increased in size and cursed you when you didn't decrease said size at the rate I felt you should have. For years I told you that you were not good enough and told you that given the chance, I would exchange you in a second. 

Well body, today I am here to apologize. Today I am admitting I am wrong. I am sorry. Body you are awesome, and this is why;

Even though I was sick, you still allowed me to do so many things.  Even though I was sick, I could still see, hear, walk, talk, and dance. 

 All those "imperfections" I saw, they are what make me unique. They are what help tie me to the people I love, because I got those things from them. I thank you for that. 

The weight gain, was a combination of you AND me. I take my share of the blame. In that time I was gaining the weight, I was also living. I was REALLY living. I was eating gelato and authentic Italian carbs and it was magnificent and totally worth it. 

In the time it took to loose that weight, I was becoming stronger and learning more about myself. Something I would not have, had you dropped the weight when I demanded you to.

But you know what makes you the most awesome?

This....

You made those. YOU did that! How freaking cool are you??? You amazed me. You gave me the very greatest gifts I will ever receive. You not only made these magical creatures, but you brought them into the world. I was scared for that part, but you did it. Not only did you do it, but you did it like a champ. You are strong and powerful. 

As I stare at the mirror at my new body; I admire my squishy new tummy (part of me hopes it never goes away) I'm kinda in love with it. Its like my right of passage, it's proof I'm a mom. 

 I smile back at that sweet scar that seems to smile back at me. It's my badge of honor that I wear with pride. 

So body, for all the million and five things you have done and continue to do for me... Thank You. I promise to ignore society and the media when they tell me you don't look right. I will treat you better. I will never again wish to trade you in for any other body. You rock and I love you.

-love me😘

PS- Fork you media!

Prego Mego

Well since I have been horrible at keeping week to week or month to month documentation on here, I may as well update now. Here is a list of things I am frequently asked and all the other happenings in the Bradham house while being pregnant.

How much weight have I gained? 
as of today 26 lbs.

Do I have an innie or outtie?
Still an innie, but its barely hanging on

Maternity clothes?
Only shirts so far. Thanks to leggings and Jeggings. Which are now my new best friends. Which is funny because before I was in need of stretchy pants I was super anti-jeggings. Too quick to judge I suppose.
I can still wear a few of my jeans as long as I rubber-band the button or wear a belly band. Not that clothes matter on bed rest anyway.

When am I due again?
Well when we found out it was twins the due date was Dec.10. Due to recent events, in the event that I can actually, by some miracle, keep them in that long (and I don't go bat poop crazy beforehand) the new date is Dec. 3. However, my OB feels like it will be week 34. So...the week of Nov. 12. Who knows really, to be honest, I could pop any second.

Cravings?
The last two months I have really craved water and slushies. I can't get enough of water and I keep a hospital cup by me at all times and go through 4 a day...which equals 112 oz. True story. The past few weeks I have been craving sausage and sauerkraut. And I always crave sweets. Mostly candy and cakes.

What do you do all day? (bed rest)
I mostly get my trash kicked by candy crush all day and wait for lives to fill up. That's what I do. On special days I wait for packages to arrive. Like today, I have been tracking my diaper bag like a hound dog. I knew it was coming today so I positioned myself on the couch so I could stare out the window and watch for it. I literally split my time between playing candy crush and staring out the window for hours. That's how pathetically bored I am sometimes. I have been really lucky though to have great friend who stop by to visit and bring me goodies. It's really nice. Since I am typing all this you can't tell that I type this with a smile on my face. I am a homebody at heart and its really not so bad just vegging and watching movies. I actually enjoy it more now that its cold and yucky outside. It's the sunshine that depresses me. Backwards I know, but I want to be out in the sun. I also have my appts. to look forward too. Every Tuesday and Friday we head over to Perinatal. AKA, our new family. and every other week I also go to the OB. I look forward to those days.

I think those are about all the things people seem to ask me. Oh wait. something else people mention is our pups and how they are going to react to the babes. Since a picture is worth a thousand words.....

Let's begin with Le Charles

If you can't tell from the pictures. He has developed a slight obsession with my belly. He loves to just come sit on my lap and rest his little head on the babies. It was super adorable, one day he has his head on me and one of the buds started to kick him. He stared at my belly for a second, then started to lick it like crazy. It was ridiculously adorable and I got a video. I think Garrett and I may lose him when these buds come. He is going to love them way more than us. I think I'm okay with that.

Chaunce De Leon

We have discovered recently that Chauncey actually LOVES babies. when our friends come with their babes he is very protective when they cry and gently tries to lick their faces. I love the following picture. We took it one night when we had just gotten the car seats. We had looked all over the house and couldn't find him. Garrett finally found him sitting in the nursery in the dark. He was just staring at the car seats. We could NOT get him to leave the room, or even look at us for that matter. I took some video and we decided to move the car seats to see what he would do. Garrett picked one up and carried it out and around upstairs and Chauncey followed it frantically. He kept trying to keep his nose on it. It was both hilarious and incredibly sweet.

He is definitely gonna be their little protector. He has always been a bit protective of me, but since I have become pregnant it's gotten bad. If anyone he doesn't know comes to the door, he flips and once they leave he then runs and sits on me and growls at the door. Yep these buds will always be safe with Chauncey.

Here are a few belly pictures just for funzies.

That is all I have uploaded on the computer for now. I am currently 31 weeks and 6 days. 32 week tomorrow. I have to say I am quite pleased that I have kept them in there until now. 32 is a goal week for mothers of multiples. New goal is now 34 weeks. I can do it. I think.

In good baby news, Baby L has removed her little self off of my sciatic nerve! WOOWHOOO! I mean really, I wasn't sure I would live through that. I have also beat the anemia! Except, as soon as I got some energy I was placed on bed rest. Ummm, if you know me at all, you have a bit of an understanding how frustrating this is for me. I am incredibly OCD about my house being clean. I am learning patience that is for sure. Lucky for me, Garrett is pretty good at keeping up with things and I am really grateful for all his hard work and help. However he does have his moments. For example, when I got up to get some water I though to myself "What fresh hell is this?" I know it had been there for 4 days. Seriously folks. My hell will not be of fire and brimstone. Oh no, it will be jam packed with never ending dirty dishes, Giant dust bunnies. Dentists, and I will forever be suffocating in a huge pile of dirty laundry. Also I am sure spiders will be involved.

It may not look bad at all from these pics but trust me...the kitchen was gross. I can't even tell you the amount of self control it took for me to just sit there and not do anything about it. Its hard to feel good and not be able to do the things you want. To be honest, it's been really good for me. I am learning that it's okay to have a messy house. I mean I am about to have two babies who will constantly need me and cleaning my house will soon be a luxury and really, its not that important. Right?...well I think I am right, but we will see. Besides, will I even care or notice when I am so enchanted by all their itty bits? I think I won't care.


So how's my belly looking now? Huge, that's how it's looking. At least, I think so. I love that its growing and I love to watch it get big. Except at night in bed when I feel gimonsterous! Don't so much "love" that. Night time is when I am over being pregnant. Garrett has been telling me for a while that he thinks its crazy that from the back I don't look pregnant then when I turn around BAM, there's a belly. I didn't believe him so we took pictures last night to prove it.

*Side note. Aren't my sweat pants awesome? lol. I adore them and need like 50 more pairs since I live in them.

I guess he was right. Its so weird because when I am in the shower or just nakie in general, I don't feel like I have really gained any weight except for in my belly but when I put clothes on......I feel like I have gained 500 lbs. Oh the price we pay to bring miniature versions of ourselves into this world,  So here I am 31 weeks 5 days. Hello Belly! I love it. 

Despite all the discomforts of a growing belly (not being able to put on my own shoes, or paint my toes, or bend over at all) I am enjoying it. I can see almost all the babies movements and I love that they interact with me so well. Its a pretty special thing and even though I am just about done...I will miss it. As hard as it it some days, I try to keep in mind that I won't ever get this time back. I am blessed that Garrett works from home and can care for me. I am blessed that I have been given time to just rest before my world is turned upside down. I mean honestly when else in your life do you have an excuse to sit on the couch and fatten up (Thanksgiving Turkeys everywhere, I know how you feel) without a single care in the world? The answer is never. Never again in my life will I get this rest. I try to tell myself, I am gonna really wish I had a day to just lay on the couch an do nothing when two babies are screaming and I am so beyond tired I can't see straight. So here I am soaking it up...most days. 

We go in to the perinatal, the place we now feel like we live, to see if my fella has grown. If he hasn't grown enough...its hospital stay for me. EWW. If that is the case, diaper bags is all packed and ready to go. Crazy. The babies are almost here...that is just Crazy.