The Hardest Thing

I think one of my better qualities is my ability to love others. I have been blessed with the wonderful gift of being able to love anyone and everyone. My dad says I have a golden heart. I even befriended my husbands only other love..granted, she made it easy because she is friggin awesome and one of the most awesome people I have had the pleasure of knowing, but still who does that? Who makes friends with their husbands ex? and not just like kinda friends, but SUPER good friends. Apparently I do.(don't worry this is NOT a boast post) But when it comes to loving myself...not so much. That is where I struggle. I wrote a post a few days ago about feeling ugly and hearing a song. I have listened to that song about a million times since then..sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I don't know what is up with my newly developed sick obsession with my body, but it has got to stop. I have been making myself more sick than healthy the past few days by over working out. I realize my sweet family and those who love me best are thinking, okay Meagan, you look great what is your deal. I know, Garrett tells me about a billion times a day how beautiful I am. I believe that he thinks that, but I don't. When we were laying in bed last night I was telling Garrett how I don't understand what my deal is. I mean logically I have no reason to complain about my body, but for some reason, whenever I shower or look at my baby pouch with no baby, I freak. I cry, every time. I literally can not handle it. And its not like I look at others and think, okay they are not a stick they need to loose weight. I pretty much feel like everyone is beautiful, except me. I feel like the only thing I have is my figure. So, back to last night, I was explaining to Garrett how I don't get why I care so much. I always thought that once you understood its the inside that counts, inner beauty and all that, and once you understood that its how heavenly father views you, then you would view yourself the way he does. I am not sure if that made sense at all but I guess what I was trying to explain, was that if you love who you are, then you should be able to look in the mirror and love what you see, or at the very least not cry or gag...but as I was trying to explain this, I realized I don't really love myself on the inside. I get so frustrated with myself when I look back all the things I never did that I wanted to. Its hard to feel like a looser. I think its hard sometimes, or not hard, more like frustrating when all you here is "you are special" everyone is special, and if everyone is special, then doesn't that just, contradict or something? I dunno. What I am trying to say so ineloquently is the hardest thing for me, is to learn to love myself. I am kind of a perfectionist and its hard to not focus on my flaws. I am not really sure how to learn to love myself, so I guess this will be learning period. I will say that I am glad to not be in Utah anymore. I think there it was really hard not to compare myself to every other girl and think "wow she had accomplished way more than I have", or "she is so much more beautiful than I am". I think I may have also done myself a slight dis-service in marrying such a good-looking, accomplished fella. just kidding, I did myself a great service, but it is hard sometimes to feel like you don't deserve the person lying next to you. I don't know. Sorry if this is a pity post, and I realize it is extremely personal,but I just feel like this is something every girl goes through at one point, and this blog is more for me than anyone else. And one day when I have a daughter who is going through this, she will know she is not alone and that I felt this way too and I can help her with what I learned. Anyway, yea...its been a rough week for me personally, but I know that in the end, I will be better for it and I will have learned something. I just hope the lesson I learn, is how to love myself as much as my friends, family, husband, and god do.